Patty's Place
The Rev. Leanne Hadley
First Steps Spirituality Center
Colorado Springs, CO

I would love to tell you about Patty's Place. One of the funeral homes here has a community outreach person, Jeanie, who took my certification course. She got very excited and went to the funeral home director and asked him if he would be willing to let her have space to see kids who were hurting due to loss from death. She offered to visit with them while their parents were making arrangements or during the visitation. He loved the idea and we all met and created Patty's Place. It is small room filled with stations where kids can express themselves. There is a small table with a "Memory Book" and crayons, a small kid labyrinth  for them to walk with places to stop and answer questions about their loved ones like, "what was your favorite memory," and "If you could see your loved one one more time, what would you say to them, " etc. There is an everlasting tree of remembrance where they hang small bells and a tag of their loved ones name--they ring it and it has the most wonderful sound! All those bells ringing!

They have huge bulletin boards on the walls where kids can write poems or draw pictures and hang them up. Some kids make drawings or write poems or letters and then place them in the casket of their loved one.

We started it about a year ago--we had a kick off breakfast/workshop for the pastors in town. I lectured about what they could do to help children who had experienced death and loss and then we showed them Patty's place. Whenever there is a death, the family is asked if they have kids who are involved and then the funeral directors fill out a form with their names and ages--they explain about Patty's place and ask if they would like a volunteer to meet with their kids. Then they fax a woman, Susan (one of my volunteers), and she makes sure either her, or myself or Jeanie can be there.

We meet the kids, invite them into Patty's Place and do Holy Listening and a ritual with the kids if they want. It has been so appreciated!!! Parents are so lost during death and they just love having us to meet with their kids and use us as a grief resource. For example, I met with some kids (six of them) whose father had died in a helicopter crash. The mother felt it was best for the kids to not see his body at the viewing. But the 10 year old had all these ideas about his father like, "I bet he is all cut up--I bet he is burned--I bet his arms fell off." He needed to see the dad because his body looked wonderful--his mom told him that his dad had make-up on in the coffin and he said, "So they made him look like a clown??? Why??" I met with his mom and told her all of these things he was saying. She asked what I suggested and I said, "His imagination is seeing things anyway--I think we should let him see the truth. The truth of this isn't as frightening as the things he is seeing in his imagination." The mom said--"Okay, I will let him see his dad--but will you go with us?" I did and before long, all of the kids had seen him and they all felt better! So did the mom.

For First Steps this is excellent because we see lots of kids that we might not get to work with--many parents won't call us unless their child is really acting out--but all the kids benefit from a little TLC and reflective time following a death. It is also good for the funeral home because they have now gotten the reputation for caring for kids at the time of death and so they have had an increase of people coming to them for care. It is a win win for all of us.

And many churches and organizations refer families to Mountainview (the funeral home) because they know the kids will receive care. Plus--once the kids meet us, they are willing to come to the center for follow up.  I just love the concept and wish other places would provide this kind of care. Churches should have places like this for funerals at the church--and funeral homes should all have them. But kids are often an invisible part of the grief process and their needs often get neglected!

Oh, also, the women's groups from several churches donate stuffed animals and they glue tiny tears on them--then each child chooses the one they want and take it to the service and home to cuddle when they feel upset. Some congregations collect the bears on their children's Sunday's or Sunday School kick-off.